Funny Story,
I just added this hit counter thingo to my blog, cause I like to know I'm appreciated!! Anyway, it turns out not being able to spell is actually a good thing!
The only new hits on the blog were from someone searching for baked rissotto - turns out they can't spell either and my blog is number one for misspelt rissotto!!
Hey - if you come back - just message me and I'll send you the recipe, it's good, we're having it again tonight!!
Friday, June 8, 2007
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
Grief
(as an aside to start with, I just have to let you know, it took me three tries to spell that title correctly, I think it's correct now?)
Our birds died the other day. Not just your average budgies, but two hand tame 9 year old cockatiels. They should have lived for around another 5 years or so, and we are very upset. We don't know what happened, something strange for them both to go at the same time. This situation highlighted to me that I am not good at grief.
I did the same thing when my Grandmother died. I'm not sure what the stages of grief are supposed to me, I'll look them up one day, but the one I go for first is self blame. In fact, I don't even know if that is a stage!
With Nana i blamed myself for not visiting often enough, for not praying enough, for her being alone when she died, I felt guilty for not enjoying our visits enough and for not telling her how much I loved her enough. I still feel somewhat this way, especially when there's an episode of some show with a person dying surrounded by thier loving family. I mean, Nana had a loving family, and we visited her, but at the actual moment, she was alone.
Then when the birds died, I blamed myself for neglecting them, for not checking on them often enough, for not letting them out of thier cage enough etc etc. I can't even greive (so seriously cannot spell that word) for them properly because of the huge ball of guilt in my stomach.
Another part of my problem is I think I over attach. I still cry about my dog that died 9 years ago. I guess it's better than being detached, but it hurts more.
I just did a bit of web browsing and found quite a helpfull article. Here's the link
www.counselingforloss.com/article8.htm
this one's good too.
www.mentalhealth.asn.au/resources/grief_and_loss.htm
Hey, the web is actually a usefull tool, I feel better after reading those. I'm not as disfunctional as i thought! perhaps a bit heavy on the guilt and attachment, but not too crazy!
Our birds died the other day. Not just your average budgies, but two hand tame 9 year old cockatiels. They should have lived for around another 5 years or so, and we are very upset. We don't know what happened, something strange for them both to go at the same time. This situation highlighted to me that I am not good at grief.
I did the same thing when my Grandmother died. I'm not sure what the stages of grief are supposed to me, I'll look them up one day, but the one I go for first is self blame. In fact, I don't even know if that is a stage!
With Nana i blamed myself for not visiting often enough, for not praying enough, for her being alone when she died, I felt guilty for not enjoying our visits enough and for not telling her how much I loved her enough. I still feel somewhat this way, especially when there's an episode of some show with a person dying surrounded by thier loving family. I mean, Nana had a loving family, and we visited her, but at the actual moment, she was alone.
Then when the birds died, I blamed myself for neglecting them, for not checking on them often enough, for not letting them out of thier cage enough etc etc. I can't even greive (so seriously cannot spell that word) for them properly because of the huge ball of guilt in my stomach.
Another part of my problem is I think I over attach. I still cry about my dog that died 9 years ago. I guess it's better than being detached, but it hurts more.
I just did a bit of web browsing and found quite a helpfull article. Here's the link
www.counselingforloss.com/article8.htm
this one's good too.
www.mentalhealth.asn.au/resources/grief_and_loss.htm
Hey, the web is actually a usefull tool, I feel better after reading those. I'm not as disfunctional as i thought! perhaps a bit heavy on the guilt and attachment, but not too crazy!
Thursday, May 31, 2007
I am a control freak
I rediscovered this fact last night. I kind of allready knew, it tends to be a major personality contributor to depression, but this conversation I had last night drove it home.
You know those horrible telemarketer calls, usually at the busiest time of day, and usually from someone in some far distant country with an accent so thick you can only make out half of what they are saying. Man, those people are well trained!
I like to think of myself as a reasonably intelligent person, with a decent amount of interpersonal skills too, but this guy last night - he had me wrapped around his little finger.
It took me a good three quarters of the call to work out what he was talking about, and by then I had apparently agreed to change my phone carrier? It was not untill I was in the middle of some recording I worked out what was going on - i thought he just wanted to confirm my details so he could send me some information. And I felt to stupid to change my mind half way through. Voila - new phone company. The first thing I did when I got off the phone was put myself on the do not call register.!
I stewed over this for hours, i felt stupid, taken advantage of, almost violated. It was not untill 11.30 last night I worked out what my problem was. I was not in control of the situation. I had not made an informed decision, i was not in control of the phone call, I felt forced into a decision etc etc. I HATE feeling controlled by another person.
So what can I learn?? Well, I can learn to say no more quickly to telemarketers. But on a deeper level? - I guess it's a good thing to recognise problems in oneself in order to work on them. There are going to be situations in life that I can not control, especially with a family. I guess I need to learn to relinquish control in appropriate situations. And to recognise the anxious feelings that come with a lack of control and try to control (probably the wrong word!!) or manage them better.
You know those horrible telemarketer calls, usually at the busiest time of day, and usually from someone in some far distant country with an accent so thick you can only make out half of what they are saying. Man, those people are well trained!
I like to think of myself as a reasonably intelligent person, with a decent amount of interpersonal skills too, but this guy last night - he had me wrapped around his little finger.
It took me a good three quarters of the call to work out what he was talking about, and by then I had apparently agreed to change my phone carrier? It was not untill I was in the middle of some recording I worked out what was going on - i thought he just wanted to confirm my details so he could send me some information. And I felt to stupid to change my mind half way through. Voila - new phone company. The first thing I did when I got off the phone was put myself on the do not call register.!
I stewed over this for hours, i felt stupid, taken advantage of, almost violated. It was not untill 11.30 last night I worked out what my problem was. I was not in control of the situation. I had not made an informed decision, i was not in control of the phone call, I felt forced into a decision etc etc. I HATE feeling controlled by another person.
So what can I learn?? Well, I can learn to say no more quickly to telemarketers. But on a deeper level? - I guess it's a good thing to recognise problems in oneself in order to work on them. There are going to be situations in life that I can not control, especially with a family. I guess I need to learn to relinquish control in appropriate situations. And to recognise the anxious feelings that come with a lack of control and try to control (probably the wrong word!!) or manage them better.
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
More Life Lessons
Did you know that it's not a good idea to cook dinner, bath the kids and blog all at the same time. I mean, I know us mothers are well known for our ability to multi task, but when one is as tired and worn out as I, and one totally forgot to eat lunch, it might be a good idea to leave it to just two tasks.
Mind you, I did manage to pull it off, almost. All I forgot to do was add the secret zucchini to the baked rissotto. My kids won't eat zucchini, so I grate it into sauces and other things so they don't know it's there. I was doing my usuall beating up on myself for being so hopeless, when i realised. My kids are not going to be malnourished just because they missed out on less than a quarter of a grated zucchini!!!
Oh yeah, and the kids are still sitting in a cold bath because i couldn't be bothered getting them out yet!
So - the lessons learnt from tonights escapades.
1. I am woman hear me roar! - I can multitask, even on no sleep or food!
2. Don't bash yourself up before checking the facts. (hmmm, maybe just don't bash yourself up would be a better lesson but i think it might take a bit more for me to learn it than this)
3. It's allright to ignore your kids now and then. Hang on, scrap that one, that's a bad one. Don't do that - especially when they are in the bath. My kids are old enough and loud enough to call for help.
Mind you, I did manage to pull it off, almost. All I forgot to do was add the secret zucchini to the baked rissotto. My kids won't eat zucchini, so I grate it into sauces and other things so they don't know it's there. I was doing my usuall beating up on myself for being so hopeless, when i realised. My kids are not going to be malnourished just because they missed out on less than a quarter of a grated zucchini!!!
Oh yeah, and the kids are still sitting in a cold bath because i couldn't be bothered getting them out yet!
So - the lessons learnt from tonights escapades.
1. I am woman hear me roar! - I can multitask, even on no sleep or food!
2. Don't bash yourself up before checking the facts. (hmmm, maybe just don't bash yourself up would be a better lesson but i think it might take a bit more for me to learn it than this)
3. It's allright to ignore your kids now and then. Hang on, scrap that one, that's a bad one. Don't do that - especially when they are in the bath. My kids are old enough and loud enough to call for help.
Answers Answers
My Dear Hubby read the last post and this was his reply.
NO - we would not be raw food vegans and if I new you had such tendencies I'm not sure I would have married you!
Of course, he was joking about that last bit, but the general consensus is that chicken nuggets are better than celery sticks! Feed the man meat!
NO - we would not be raw food vegans and if I new you had such tendencies I'm not sure I would have married you!
Of course, he was joking about that last bit, but the general consensus is that chicken nuggets are better than celery sticks! Feed the man meat!
Monday, May 28, 2007
Questions Questions
These issues have been bothering me.
Do hash browns count as a vegetable serving? Do chicken nuggets count as a protien serving?
If I put them both together and call them dinner will child services come and take my children away?
If I add a token serving of frozen peas does this make everything better?
I wish I could go back in time and have serious words to whoever invented convenience and take away foods. Dinner time is frought (is that the right word?) with guilt, good old mother guilt. I know I should serve a wholegrain, whole food organic diet with five serves of vegies per day etc etc, but quite frankly, I am weak.
There is too much temptation in the shopping freezer cabinets, things that make my life just that little bit easier. I just don't have the energy some nights to do a proper dinner. Mind you, i'm sure if I could have that chat with the nasty person in the past that invented these convenience foods and they were never invented and I had no choice, I would probably find the energy.
Either that or my family would be raw food vegans!
Do hash browns count as a vegetable serving? Do chicken nuggets count as a protien serving?
If I put them both together and call them dinner will child services come and take my children away?
If I add a token serving of frozen peas does this make everything better?
I wish I could go back in time and have serious words to whoever invented convenience and take away foods. Dinner time is frought (is that the right word?) with guilt, good old mother guilt. I know I should serve a wholegrain, whole food organic diet with five serves of vegies per day etc etc, but quite frankly, I am weak.
There is too much temptation in the shopping freezer cabinets, things that make my life just that little bit easier. I just don't have the energy some nights to do a proper dinner. Mind you, i'm sure if I could have that chat with the nasty person in the past that invented these convenience foods and they were never invented and I had no choice, I would probably find the energy.
Either that or my family would be raw food vegans!
Saturday, May 5, 2007
Effort and Failure
The catchcry of my time in the education system seemed to be "that's great honey, imagine what you could have got if you'd tried/studied!"
They didn't mean this in a bad way, infact it was true. I was (am?) naturally intelligent (at the school stuff anyway). I got in the top 7% of the state for my final exams with very little effort. So why didn't i put in the effort? Am I just lazy? Well, there may be a little of that in me, but I think there is a deeper level too.
I am terified of failure. In my life I have failed just twice. Once a fourth grade musicianship exam (I got 56, pass was 60), and once my driving test (by one point). That's it, in my entire life, i have never failed a single other test. I think it would have been good for me to fail more often, to get used to it, realise it's not the end of the world.
So you would think this would make me put in more effort - not less! But imagine if i put in 100%, all that i had, and then failed. WOW - that would be a real failure, that would mean that no matter what, i was a failure. At least if I don't try that hard, and then fail, it wasn't because I'm not good enough, it's because I didn't try hard enough.
Unfortunately, i think this attitude has had a lot to do with my depression. I do try hard to be a good mother and wife and friend. And in my eyes I fail. BAM - depression. Of course, logically, i know that there are ups and downs in relationships, and of course i'm not a failure, but emotionally, i'm not so logical.
They didn't mean this in a bad way, infact it was true. I was (am?) naturally intelligent (at the school stuff anyway). I got in the top 7% of the state for my final exams with very little effort. So why didn't i put in the effort? Am I just lazy? Well, there may be a little of that in me, but I think there is a deeper level too.
I am terified of failure. In my life I have failed just twice. Once a fourth grade musicianship exam (I got 56, pass was 60), and once my driving test (by one point). That's it, in my entire life, i have never failed a single other test. I think it would have been good for me to fail more often, to get used to it, realise it's not the end of the world.
So you would think this would make me put in more effort - not less! But imagine if i put in 100%, all that i had, and then failed. WOW - that would be a real failure, that would mean that no matter what, i was a failure. At least if I don't try that hard, and then fail, it wasn't because I'm not good enough, it's because I didn't try hard enough.
Unfortunately, i think this attitude has had a lot to do with my depression. I do try hard to be a good mother and wife and friend. And in my eyes I fail. BAM - depression. Of course, logically, i know that there are ups and downs in relationships, and of course i'm not a failure, but emotionally, i'm not so logical.
Friendship
Friendship is one of the most important things in life - in my opinion. But it can also be one of the hardest at times. A true and lasting friendship, in the same way as a marriage, requires commitment and effort.
This has been somewhat of a challenge to me over the last few years. I have been somewhat self absorbed and selfish of late, some would say this is understandable i suppose, but i think some of my friendships have suffered as a result.
Actually, this is what I thought untill just this weekend. This weekend i went on a women's retreat with my church. It was a great weekend. I finally felt well enough, and brave enough to share the details of my life over the last few years. The response has been so uplifting. Many women came to me and told me how encouraged they were by my strength and growth, others told me stories of thier own depression, and other problems that they had not told before. I formed so many close friendships in such a short period of time. It is clear to me now that honesty and openness are also key to friendship. And times of struggle can lead to some of the best things in life!
I also realised that those friendships I thought I had damaged were not damaged at all. Those friends that are true friends have been there for me, waiting for me to be able to put in the time and energy that they had been putting in all this time. They have not condemmed me, just been patient. The reason we don't talk as much, or see each other as much is because only one of us has been contributing. They haven't given up on me at all.
This has been somewhat of a challenge to me over the last few years. I have been somewhat self absorbed and selfish of late, some would say this is understandable i suppose, but i think some of my friendships have suffered as a result.
Actually, this is what I thought untill just this weekend. This weekend i went on a women's retreat with my church. It was a great weekend. I finally felt well enough, and brave enough to share the details of my life over the last few years. The response has been so uplifting. Many women came to me and told me how encouraged they were by my strength and growth, others told me stories of thier own depression, and other problems that they had not told before. I formed so many close friendships in such a short period of time. It is clear to me now that honesty and openness are also key to friendship. And times of struggle can lead to some of the best things in life!
I also realised that those friendships I thought I had damaged were not damaged at all. Those friends that are true friends have been there for me, waiting for me to be able to put in the time and energy that they had been putting in all this time. They have not condemmed me, just been patient. The reason we don't talk as much, or see each other as much is because only one of us has been contributing. They haven't given up on me at all.
Self deprication
This is something I can say I actually do excell at. It is my prefered self defence mechanism.
The general philosophy is that if i point out all my bad points in a humorous fashion, everything is out in the open, I don't have to worry about what others are thinking about me, and we can all get on with life. Mind you, this can take a while!
I must admit I think with some people it is also a form of fishing for compliments.
I think I need to try and stop though, it probably gets on peoples nerves! Oh no, now there's something else I need to worry about!
The general philosophy is that if i point out all my bad points in a humorous fashion, everything is out in the open, I don't have to worry about what others are thinking about me, and we can all get on with life. Mind you, this can take a while!
I must admit I think with some people it is also a form of fishing for compliments.
I think I need to try and stop though, it probably gets on peoples nerves! Oh no, now there's something else I need to worry about!
Thursday, May 3, 2007
Forgiveness
We've had a lot of talks at church lately about forgiveness, and one of the questions is how would you rate yourself? That got me thinking.
My first thought was that I was pretty good, but then i realised i had a lot to work on (as usuall)
There aren't actually many people that have done badly by me, so i'm not actually that practiced in the art of forgiveness, but there are two circumstances that come to mind, neither of which you will find out the details of incase people involved end up reading this.
The upshot of it is this though - neither of these situations were deliberatly set up to hurt me. In fact, i don't even think the people realised that they had. They are people I love, and i'm pretty sure they love me too. And even though i understand the reasons for their actions, they have caused me hurt.
This is where i get confused, I hold no hard feelings towards the people, does this mean I've forgiven them? I still hold on to the hurt though, so maybe I haven't. I need to learn how to move on from hurt, and not hold on to it and nurture it. I'm still working on this one, which explains why this entry is probably a bit hard to read.
The other situation in which I am HOPELESS at forgiveness is when it involves me. i blame myself for everything!! And I hold on to that list and feed it and give it attention and now it is a big ball of self blame and guilt. Not sure how to get rid of it, it seems quite attached. My husband gets sick of me saying i'm sorry for things he thinks i'm not even responsible for, and i've been known to apologise to people and have them look blankly at me and ask me what i'm talking about!
hmmm, needs more thought.
My first thought was that I was pretty good, but then i realised i had a lot to work on (as usuall)
There aren't actually many people that have done badly by me, so i'm not actually that practiced in the art of forgiveness, but there are two circumstances that come to mind, neither of which you will find out the details of incase people involved end up reading this.
The upshot of it is this though - neither of these situations were deliberatly set up to hurt me. In fact, i don't even think the people realised that they had. They are people I love, and i'm pretty sure they love me too. And even though i understand the reasons for their actions, they have caused me hurt.
This is where i get confused, I hold no hard feelings towards the people, does this mean I've forgiven them? I still hold on to the hurt though, so maybe I haven't. I need to learn how to move on from hurt, and not hold on to it and nurture it. I'm still working on this one, which explains why this entry is probably a bit hard to read.
The other situation in which I am HOPELESS at forgiveness is when it involves me. i blame myself for everything!! And I hold on to that list and feed it and give it attention and now it is a big ball of self blame and guilt. Not sure how to get rid of it, it seems quite attached. My husband gets sick of me saying i'm sorry for things he thinks i'm not even responsible for, and i've been known to apologise to people and have them look blankly at me and ask me what i'm talking about!
hmmm, needs more thought.
Tuesday, May 1, 2007
Living the moment
I've been thinking about this a lot lately.
For the first few years of my kids life, i used to kind of wish the time away. I felt like life was just too hard at the moment, and i wanted them to grow up so things might be easier. Looking back, these are some of the precious times, when they can't yell at you, walk away, make a disgusting mess etc etc.
Now i'm feeling so much better, i wish the opposite, i want to go back and experience those moments again, with mental health! I also find myself wishing that they wouldn't grow up. Sure, they can be challenging, but also SOOOO georgous that i just can't stand the thought of them changing.
I want to hang on to every moment and memory, photographing, scrapbooking, blogging, however I can.
I find this emotionally draining. And it's hard to fully enjoy a moment, when you're trying so hard to remember it, and having a feeling of nostalgia already, worrying that you'll forget.
I need to learn to live in the moment, accepting that there will be good and bad at every stage and age of life. Sure, there are things to hold on to, memories and sensations, but not everything, the human brain is just not that big! Spending time with the people that are precious to me as they are now is the most important thing. It's nice to remember things, but not essential to happiness, there's enough to deal with in the here and now.
this is a huge challenge for me, to live without regret, to fully immerse myself in the present. wish me luck
For the first few years of my kids life, i used to kind of wish the time away. I felt like life was just too hard at the moment, and i wanted them to grow up so things might be easier. Looking back, these are some of the precious times, when they can't yell at you, walk away, make a disgusting mess etc etc.
Now i'm feeling so much better, i wish the opposite, i want to go back and experience those moments again, with mental health! I also find myself wishing that they wouldn't grow up. Sure, they can be challenging, but also SOOOO georgous that i just can't stand the thought of them changing.
I want to hang on to every moment and memory, photographing, scrapbooking, blogging, however I can.
I find this emotionally draining. And it's hard to fully enjoy a moment, when you're trying so hard to remember it, and having a feeling of nostalgia already, worrying that you'll forget.
I need to learn to live in the moment, accepting that there will be good and bad at every stage and age of life. Sure, there are things to hold on to, memories and sensations, but not everything, the human brain is just not that big! Spending time with the people that are precious to me as they are now is the most important thing. It's nice to remember things, but not essential to happiness, there's enough to deal with in the here and now.
this is a huge challenge for me, to live without regret, to fully immerse myself in the present. wish me luck
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Nothing Personal
I'm a nutrimetics consultant and yesterday I held an open house. You know, come to my place, check out the stuff, get a discount etc.
Well, no one came!
Now, six months ago, i would have been a blubbering mess, decided no one liked me, and disapeared off the face of the planet for a few weeks.
This time however, my mum and hubby were more upset than I was! I have learnt that some things are just not personal. People have lives, people don't like nutrimetics, whatever, it's not about me!!!
I admit, i did do a few rousing renditions of "no body likes me, everybody hates me, might as well go and eat worms...." but it was just for fun, and entertaining the kids!
Miss T came in that night actually, she was so sweet. I was lying in bed with agonising back pain, and she came in and carefully lay beside me, stroked my cheek and said "mummy, i'm sorry no one came to your party, are you ok?"
CUTE
Well, no one came!
Now, six months ago, i would have been a blubbering mess, decided no one liked me, and disapeared off the face of the planet for a few weeks.
This time however, my mum and hubby were more upset than I was! I have learnt that some things are just not personal. People have lives, people don't like nutrimetics, whatever, it's not about me!!!
I admit, i did do a few rousing renditions of "no body likes me, everybody hates me, might as well go and eat worms...." but it was just for fun, and entertaining the kids!
Miss T came in that night actually, she was so sweet. I was lying in bed with agonising back pain, and she came in and carefully lay beside me, stroked my cheek and said "mummy, i'm sorry no one came to your party, are you ok?"
CUTE
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Mothers
Something i have learnt over the last three years is that mothers are special.
One of the things that stopped me doing serious harm to myself or simply walking out was my kids. Even though I thought that I was a terrible mother and they would be way better off with someone else, there was a part of me that realised that I was still special to them.
I realise there are a few exceptions, but in general, your kids see you as special no matter what your faults, and they would be devestated if you left them. Think about it, even adopted kids still feel some sort of link to thier birth mothers,even if they have never met them, so imagine the link your kids feel to you, who provides for them and loves them in a tangible manner.
Even when they say they hate you - they don't mean it really!
One of the things that stopped me doing serious harm to myself or simply walking out was my kids. Even though I thought that I was a terrible mother and they would be way better off with someone else, there was a part of me that realised that I was still special to them.
I realise there are a few exceptions, but in general, your kids see you as special no matter what your faults, and they would be devestated if you left them. Think about it, even adopted kids still feel some sort of link to thier birth mothers,even if they have never met them, so imagine the link your kids feel to you, who provides for them and loves them in a tangible manner.
Even when they say they hate you - they don't mean it really!
what not to say
over the last three years many things have been said to me, some helpfull, some not so helpful. I thought this was important lesson to learn, how to help others going through difficult times.
So - what not to say
1. This is the worst i reckon - "just push through it" OH GEE, i hadn't thought of actually trying! seriously, when having a really bad day, just being alive is pushing through it. If your actually talking to someone, you are pushing. My wonderful psychiatrist once described it like this, I found this very helpful. Imagine you're in a room, there are two beds, you are in one of them, and on the other is a million dollars, To have this money, all you need to is get out of bed and take it. For a person suffering severe depression, this is an impossible task. It really is that bad.
2. Everyone has bad days. Uh, yeah, but does everyone feel the need to kill or injure themselves on these bad days????
3. Time heals all wounds. This is simply not true for starters, it might help the pain, or you might develope coping strategies, but you may never heal - like from the loss of a loved one. And for seconds, i;m living in the present, what helps now - not in the future.
4. But you have such a wonderful life, think of all the good things about your life. This one can go either way, but in general it makes you feel like a selfish, ungrateful prat. Something allong these lines - yeah i know, anyone else in my situation would be grateful and i'm just a useless waste of space.
Some good things to say.
1. I'm going to make you a meal, is there anything you don't eat? Generally offering help will be refused because people don't like to feel like charity cases, but a meal is quite simple. Don't ask - just say - i'm doing it. Only with simple things llike meals though - other things may cause more stress, like babysitting or even offering to clean.
2. You are so special to me, i really value our relationship, i love that you are xyz and you help me in these ways...(my brothers comment on my first post is a good example of this one, he made me cry - in a good way)
3. I'm so sorry that you are going through this, you don't deserve it. When you need to talk, i'm here for you, i love you so much you can even wake me up at 2 in the morning.
sending flowers and cards is also nice.
So - what not to say
1. This is the worst i reckon - "just push through it" OH GEE, i hadn't thought of actually trying! seriously, when having a really bad day, just being alive is pushing through it. If your actually talking to someone, you are pushing. My wonderful psychiatrist once described it like this, I found this very helpful. Imagine you're in a room, there are two beds, you are in one of them, and on the other is a million dollars, To have this money, all you need to is get out of bed and take it. For a person suffering severe depression, this is an impossible task. It really is that bad.
2. Everyone has bad days. Uh, yeah, but does everyone feel the need to kill or injure themselves on these bad days????
3. Time heals all wounds. This is simply not true for starters, it might help the pain, or you might develope coping strategies, but you may never heal - like from the loss of a loved one. And for seconds, i;m living in the present, what helps now - not in the future.
4. But you have such a wonderful life, think of all the good things about your life. This one can go either way, but in general it makes you feel like a selfish, ungrateful prat. Something allong these lines - yeah i know, anyone else in my situation would be grateful and i'm just a useless waste of space.
Some good things to say.
1. I'm going to make you a meal, is there anything you don't eat? Generally offering help will be refused because people don't like to feel like charity cases, but a meal is quite simple. Don't ask - just say - i'm doing it. Only with simple things llike meals though - other things may cause more stress, like babysitting or even offering to clean.
2. You are so special to me, i really value our relationship, i love that you are xyz and you help me in these ways...(my brothers comment on my first post is a good example of this one, he made me cry - in a good way)
3. I'm so sorry that you are going through this, you don't deserve it. When you need to talk, i'm here for you, i love you so much you can even wake me up at 2 in the morning.
sending flowers and cards is also nice.
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Note to self
Ok, there are lessons that take a long time to learn, and there are lessons that should be learnt quickly. This is a case of the second type
Note to self. When you are on anti-depressants, it is important to take them!!! When you run out, this should be a cue to you to buy more!
did you know that if you forget to take your tablets for two days, you have a massive crash and can't get out of bed the next morning to take your kids to school!
Actually, the sad thing is, i did know this, i've done it before. I think this is one of those moments where one of my daughters phrases of the week will come in handy. "Stupid dumb brain"
hopefully something a bit more deep and meaningfull will come to me for tomorrow
Note to self. When you are on anti-depressants, it is important to take them!!! When you run out, this should be a cue to you to buy more!
did you know that if you forget to take your tablets for two days, you have a massive crash and can't get out of bed the next morning to take your kids to school!
Actually, the sad thing is, i did know this, i've done it before. I think this is one of those moments where one of my daughters phrases of the week will come in handy. "Stupid dumb brain"
hopefully something a bit more deep and meaningfull will come to me for tomorrow
Monday, April 23, 2007
Seasons
They say that life is a series of seasons - learning, happiness, sadness, grief, sickness, trouble etc etc. Well, I am (hopefully) coming out the other side of a rather difficult rather long season, and I feel the need to get it out of my system so that i can hopefully learn whatever lessons there are to be learnt. So my first post is going to be a big whinging list of everything I've had to deal with , but I promise it won't be so depressing after that.
Ok, so in the last three years or so - the following has happened in my life. This is in vague chronological order
Ok, so in the last three years or so - the following has happened in my life. This is in vague chronological order
- I finished a pretty difficult pregnancy with gestational diabetes, pre-eclampsia, ante-natal depression and the pelvic displacement thing with a pretty easy delivery, and then the most unsettled baby on the face of the planet.
- A week in tressilion where even the nurses couldn't get him to sleep for more than 45 minutes
- Massive post natal depression (pnd) resulting in self harm and not being left on my own for a month, followed by painfull trips to pretty useless psychiatrists
- 8 bouts of tonsilitis in a year, then six months solid on antibiotics
- doing in my back and spending a month lying in bed on my back BORED OUT OF MY MIND and totally reliant on the generosity of others, followed by chronic back pain
- tonsilectomy followed by hell as i was too tolerant of the painkillers due to back pain so i became addicted and had to go through withdrawal - not fun
- a good friend lost her baby
- Another good friend moved to the middle of nowhere for two years
- admitted to a psychiatric ward. This was a horrible experience, but a topic for another day. They had to report me to docs though - not good for parental self esteem!
- Then in three days - my husband lost his job for the fifth time in two years (redundancy) I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and we had to move house - fun week!
- we move house - never good, we had to seriously downgrade as we were housesitting in a nice area, and could only afford to rent a tiny villa elsewhere
- we add a dog to the family - good, but lots of work
- about five bouts of gastro that end up with me in hospital (i can thank my dad for that lovely gene)
- I'm told I can't have any more children - heartbreaking
- My grandmother died (we were very close)
- I become borderline diabetic
- I have an unexplained, prolonged and heavy period, resulting in trips to hospital, serious fatigue, and lots of unpleasant tests. Finally after six weeks, with a total blood loss of about 4 litres, they wack in an iud which kind of works, but I probably have to have the lining of my uterus totally burnt (YAY)
- My brother gets married. Ok, so this was actually a good thing, but it brought up emotional issues and stuff. (He's discustingly perfect and I'm not etc etc - Hi bro!)
- And of course all this is on top of the usual married mother of two crap that goes on in your life - sick people, kids starting school, fights with spouse, tantrums, self doubt about parenting and wifeing skills, oh my gosh my two year old just pooed on our rented carpet, my car just broke down again, my best friends pregnant and i'm not, i'm disgustingly overweight and i'm never going to eat again wheres the chocolate?
OK, I think i've pretty much got that out of my system. No more whinging for today.
I'd just like to say in closeing that my life is actually still pretty good. My husband is fantastic as far as husbands go, my kids are generally wonderfull, I have a great and supportive extended family and some good friends. We have a roof over our heads and always plenty to eat etc (actually way too much in my case)
So a few replies about how tough my life has been and i must be such a wonderfull strong person would be greatly appreciated!
by the way, a great site on mood disorders with great information and insight is www.blackdoginstitute.org.au
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