Effort and Failure

The catchcry of my time in the education system seemed to be "that's great honey, imagine what you could have got if you'd tried/studied!"

They didn't mean this in a bad way, infact it was true. I was (am?) naturally intelligent (at the school stuff anyway). I got in the top 7% of the state for my final exams with very little effort. So why didn't i put in the effort? Am I just lazy? Well, there may be a little of that in me, but I think there is a deeper level too.

I am terified of failure. In my life I have failed just twice. Once a fourth grade musicianship exam (I got 56, pass was 60), and once my driving test (by one point). That's it, in my entire life, i have never failed a single other test. I think it would have been good for me to fail more often, to get used to it, realise it's not the end of the world.

So you would think this would make me put in more effort - not less! But imagine if i put in 100%, all that i had, and then failed. WOW - that would be a real failure, that would mean that no matter what, i was a failure. At least if I don't try that hard, and then fail, it wasn't because I'm not good enough, it's because I didn't try hard enough.

Unfortunately, i think this attitude has had a lot to do with my depression. I do try hard to be a good mother and wife and friend. And in my eyes I fail. BAM - depression. Of course, logically, i know that there are ups and downs in relationships, and of course i'm not a failure, but emotionally, i'm not so logical.