Mothers

Something i have learnt over the last three years is that mothers are special.

One of the things that stopped me doing serious harm to myself or simply walking out was my kids. Even though I thought that I was a terrible mother and they would be way better off with someone else, there was a part of me that realised that I was still special to them.

I realise there are a few exceptions, but in general, your kids see you as special no matter what your faults, and they would be devestated if you left them. Think about it, even adopted kids still feel some sort of link to thier birth mothers,even if they have never met them, so imagine the link your kids feel to you, who provides for them and loves them in a tangible manner.

Even when they say they hate you - they don't mean it really!

what not to say

over the last three years many things have been said to me, some helpfull, some not so helpful. I thought this was important lesson to learn, how to help others going through difficult times.

So - what not to say

1. This is the worst i reckon - "just push through it" OH GEE, i hadn't thought of actually trying! seriously, when having a really bad day, just being alive is pushing through it. If your actually talking to someone, you are pushing. My wonderful psychiatrist once described it like this, I found this very helpful. Imagine you're in a room, there are two beds, you are in one of them, and on the other is a million dollars, To have this money, all you need to is get out of bed and take it. For a person suffering severe depression, this is an impossible task. It really is that bad.

2. Everyone has bad days. Uh, yeah, but does everyone feel the need to kill or injure themselves on these bad days????

3. Time heals all wounds. This is simply not true for starters, it might help the pain, or you might develope coping strategies, but you may never heal - like from the loss of a loved one. And for seconds, i;m living in the present, what helps now - not in the future.

4. But you have such a wonderful life, think of all the good things about your life. This one can go either way, but in general it makes you feel like a selfish, ungrateful prat. Something allong these lines - yeah i know, anyone else in my situation would be grateful and i'm just a useless waste of space.


Some good things to say.
1. I'm going to make you a meal, is there anything you don't eat? Generally offering help will be refused because people don't like to feel like charity cases, but a meal is quite simple. Don't ask - just say - i'm doing it. Only with simple things llike meals though - other things may cause more stress, like babysitting or even offering to clean.

2. You are so special to me, i really value our relationship, i love that you are xyz and you help me in these ways...(my brothers comment on my first post is a good example of this one, he made me cry - in a good way)

3. I'm so sorry that you are going through this, you don't deserve it. When you need to talk, i'm here for you, i love you so much you can even wake me up at 2 in the morning.

sending flowers and cards is also nice.

Note to self

Ok, there are lessons that take a long time to learn, and there are lessons that should be learnt quickly. This is a case of the second type

Note to self. When you are on anti-depressants, it is important to take them!!! When you run out, this should be a cue to you to buy more!

did you know that if you forget to take your tablets for two days, you have a massive crash and can't get out of bed the next morning to take your kids to school!

Actually, the sad thing is, i did know this, i've done it before. I think this is one of those moments where one of my daughters phrases of the week will come in handy. "Stupid dumb brain"

hopefully something a bit more deep and meaningfull will come to me for tomorrow

Seasons

They say that life is a series of seasons - learning, happiness, sadness, grief, sickness, trouble etc etc. Well, I am (hopefully) coming out the other side of a rather difficult rather long season, and I feel the need to get it out of my system so that i can hopefully learn whatever lessons there are to be learnt. So my first post is going to be a big whinging list of everything I've had to deal with , but I promise it won't be so depressing after that.

Ok, so in the last three years or so - the following has happened in my life. This is in vague chronological order

• I finished a pretty difficult pregnancy with gestational diabetes, pre-eclampsia, ante-natal depression and the pelvic displacement thing with a pretty easy delivery, and then the most unsettled baby on the face of the planet.
• A week in tressilion where even the nurses couldn't get him to sleep for more than 45 minutes
• Massive post natal depression (pnd) resulting in self harm and not being left on my own for a month, followed by painfull trips to pretty useless psychiatrists
• 8 bouts of tonsilitis in a year, then six months solid on antibiotics
• doing in my back and spending a month lying in bed on my back BORED OUT OF MY MIND and totally reliant on the generosity of others, followed by chronic back pain
• tonsilectomy followed by hell as i was too tolerant of the painkillers due to back pain so i became addicted and had to go through withdrawal - not fun
• a good friend lost her baby
• Another good friend moved to the middle of nowhere for two years
• admitted to a psychiatric ward. This was a horrible experience, but a topic for another day. They had to report me to docs though - not good for parental self esteem!
• Then in three days - my husband lost his job for the fifth time in two years (redundancy) I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and we had to move house - fun week!
• we move house - never good, we had to seriously downgrade as we were housesitting in a nice area, and could only afford to rent a tiny villa elsewhere
• we add a dog to the family - good, but lots of work
• about five bouts of gastro that end up with me in hospital (i can thank my dad for that lovely gene)
• I'm told I can't have any more children - heartbreaking
• My grandmother died (we were very close)
• I become borderline diabetic
• I have an unexplained, prolonged and heavy period, resulting in trips to hospital, serious fatigue, and lots of unpleasant tests. Finally after six weeks, with a total blood loss of about 4 litres, they wack in an iud which kind of works, but I probably have to have the lining of my uterus totally burnt (YAY)
• My brother gets married. Ok, so this was actually a good thing, but it brought up emotional issues and stuff. (He's discustingly perfect and I'm not etc etc - Hi bro!)
• And of course all this is on top of the usual married mother of two crap that goes on in your life - sick people, kids starting school, fights with spouse, tantrums, self doubt about parenting and wifeing skills, oh my gosh my two year old just pooed on our rented carpet, my car just broke down again, my best friends pregnant and i'm not, i'm disgustingly overweight and i'm never going to eat again wheres the chocolate?

OK, I think i've pretty much got that out of my system. No more whinging for today.

I'd just like to say in closeing that my life is actually still pretty good. My husband is fantastic as far as husbands go, my kids are generally wonderfull, I have a great and supportive extended family and some good friends. We have a roof over our heads and always plenty to eat etc (actually way too much in my case)

So a few replies about how tough my life has been and i must be such a wonderfull strong person would be greatly appreciated!

by the way, a great site on mood disorders with great information and insight is www.blackdoginstitute.org.au