what not to say

over the last three years many things have been said to me, some helpfull, some not so helpful. I thought this was important lesson to learn, how to help others going through difficult times.

So - what not to say

1. This is the worst i reckon - "just push through it" OH GEE, i hadn't thought of actually trying! seriously, when having a really bad day, just being alive is pushing through it. If your actually talking to someone, you are pushing. My wonderful psychiatrist once described it like this, I found this very helpful. Imagine you're in a room, there are two beds, you are in one of them, and on the other is a million dollars, To have this money, all you need to is get out of bed and take it. For a person suffering severe depression, this is an impossible task. It really is that bad.

2. Everyone has bad days. Uh, yeah, but does everyone feel the need to kill or injure themselves on these bad days????

3. Time heals all wounds. This is simply not true for starters, it might help the pain, or you might develope coping strategies, but you may never heal - like from the loss of a loved one. And for seconds, i;m living in the present, what helps now - not in the future.

4. But you have such a wonderful life, think of all the good things about your life. This one can go either way, but in general it makes you feel like a selfish, ungrateful prat. Something allong these lines - yeah i know, anyone else in my situation would be grateful and i'm just a useless waste of space.


Some good things to say.
1. I'm going to make you a meal, is there anything you don't eat? Generally offering help will be refused because people don't like to feel like charity cases, but a meal is quite simple. Don't ask - just say - i'm doing it. Only with simple things llike meals though - other things may cause more stress, like babysitting or even offering to clean.

2. You are so special to me, i really value our relationship, i love that you are xyz and you help me in these ways...(my brothers comment on my first post is a good example of this one, he made me cry - in a good way)

3. I'm so sorry that you are going through this, you don't deserve it. When you need to talk, i'm here for you, i love you so much you can even wake me up at 2 in the morning.

sending flowers and cards is also nice.