Effort and Failure

The catchcry of my time in the education system seemed to be "that's great honey, imagine what you could have got if you'd tried/studied!"

They didn't mean this in a bad way, infact it was true. I was (am?) naturally intelligent (at the school stuff anyway). I got in the top 7% of the state for my final exams with very little effort. So why didn't i put in the effort? Am I just lazy? Well, there may be a little of that in me, but I think there is a deeper level too.

I am terified of failure. In my life I have failed just twice. Once a fourth grade musicianship exam (I got 56, pass was 60), and once my driving test (by one point). That's it, in my entire life, i have never failed a single other test. I think it would have been good for me to fail more often, to get used to it, realise it's not the end of the world.

So you would think this would make me put in more effort - not less! But imagine if i put in 100%, all that i had, and then failed. WOW - that would be a real failure, that would mean that no matter what, i was a failure. At least if I don't try that hard, and then fail, it wasn't because I'm not good enough, it's because I didn't try hard enough.

Unfortunately, i think this attitude has had a lot to do with my depression. I do try hard to be a good mother and wife and friend. And in my eyes I fail. BAM - depression. Of course, logically, i know that there are ups and downs in relationships, and of course i'm not a failure, but emotionally, i'm not so logical.

Friendship

Friendship is one of the most important things in life - in my opinion. But it can also be one of the hardest at times. A true and lasting friendship, in the same way as a marriage, requires commitment and effort.

This has been somewhat of a challenge to me over the last few years. I have been somewhat self absorbed and selfish of late, some would say this is understandable i suppose, but i think some of my friendships have suffered as a result.

Actually, this is what I thought untill just this weekend. This weekend i went on a women's retreat with my church. It was a great weekend. I finally felt well enough, and brave enough to share the details of my life over the last few years. The response has been so uplifting. Many women came to me and told me how encouraged they were by my strength and growth, others told me stories of thier own depression, and other problems that they had not told before. I formed so many close friendships in such a short period of time. It is clear to me now that honesty and openness are also key to friendship. And times of struggle can lead to some of the best things in life!

I also realised that those friendships I thought I had damaged were not damaged at all. Those friends that are true friends have been there for me, waiting for me to be able to put in the time and energy that they had been putting in all this time. They have not condemmed me, just been patient. The reason we don't talk as much, or see each other as much is because only one of us has been contributing. They haven't given up on me at all.

Self deprication

This is something I can say I actually do excell at. It is my prefered self defence mechanism.

The general philosophy is that if i point out all my bad points in a humorous fashion, everything is out in the open, I don't have to worry about what others are thinking about me, and we can all get on with life. Mind you, this can take a while!

I must admit I think with some people it is also a form of fishing for compliments.

I think I need to try and stop though, it probably gets on peoples nerves! Oh no, now there's something else I need to worry about!

Forgiveness

We've had a lot of talks at church lately about forgiveness, and one of the questions is how would you rate yourself? That got me thinking.

My first thought was that I was pretty good, but then i realised i had a lot to work on (as usuall)

There aren't actually many people that have done badly by me, so i'm not actually that practiced in the art of forgiveness, but there are two circumstances that come to mind, neither of which you will find out the details of incase people involved end up reading this.

The upshot of it is this though - neither of these situations were deliberatly set up to hurt me. In fact, i don't even think the people realised that they had. They are people I love, and i'm pretty sure they love me too. And even though i understand the reasons for their actions, they have caused me hurt.

This is where i get confused, I hold no hard feelings towards the people, does this mean I've forgiven them? I still hold on to the hurt though, so maybe I haven't. I need to learn how to move on from hurt, and not hold on to it and nurture it. I'm still working on this one, which explains why this entry is probably a bit hard to read.

The other situation in which I am HOPELESS at forgiveness is when it involves me. i blame myself for everything!! And I hold on to that list and feed it and give it attention and now it is a big ball of self blame and guilt. Not sure how to get rid of it, it seems quite attached. My husband gets sick of me saying i'm sorry for things he thinks i'm not even responsible for, and i've been known to apologise to people and have them look blankly at me and ask me what i'm talking about!

hmmm, needs more thought.

Living the moment

I've been thinking about this a lot lately.

For the first few years of my kids life, i used to kind of wish the time away. I felt like life was just too hard at the moment, and i wanted them to grow up so things might be easier. Looking back, these are some of the precious times, when they can't yell at you, walk away, make a disgusting mess etc etc.

Now i'm feeling so much better, i wish the opposite, i want to go back and experience those moments again, with mental health! I also find myself wishing that they wouldn't grow up. Sure, they can be challenging, but also SOOOO georgous that i just can't stand the thought of them changing.

I want to hang on to every moment and memory, photographing, scrapbooking, blogging, however I can.
I find this emotionally draining. And it's hard to fully enjoy a moment, when you're trying so hard to remember it, and having a feeling of nostalgia already, worrying that you'll forget.

I need to learn to live in the moment, accepting that there will be good and bad at every stage and age of life. Sure, there are things to hold on to, memories and sensations, but not everything, the human brain is just not that big! Spending time with the people that are precious to me as they are now is the most important thing. It's nice to remember things, but not essential to happiness, there's enough to deal with in the here and now.

this is a huge challenge for me, to live without regret, to fully immerse myself in the present. wish me luck

Nothing Personal

I'm a nutrimetics consultant and yesterday I held an open house. You know, come to my place, check out the stuff, get a discount etc.

Well, no one came!

Now, six months ago, i would have been a blubbering mess, decided no one liked me, and disapeared off the face of the planet for a few weeks.

This time however, my mum and hubby were more upset than I was! I have learnt that some things are just not personal. People have lives, people don't like nutrimetics, whatever, it's not about me!!!

I admit, i did do a few rousing renditions of "no body likes me, everybody hates me, might as well go and eat worms...." but it was just for fun, and entertaining the kids!

Miss T came in that night actually, she was so sweet. I was lying in bed with agonising back pain, and she came in and carefully lay beside me, stroked my cheek and said "mummy, i'm sorry no one came to your party, are you ok?"

CUTE