This is something I can say I actually do excell at. It is my prefered self defence mechanism.
The general philosophy is that if i point out all my bad points in a humorous fashion, everything is out in the open, I don't have to worry about what others are thinking about me, and we can all get on with life. Mind you, this can take a while!
I must admit I think with some people it is also a form of fishing for compliments.
I think I need to try and stop though, it probably gets on peoples nerves! Oh no, now there's something else I need to worry about!
Saturday, May 5, 2007
Thursday, May 3, 2007
Forgiveness
We've had a lot of talks at church lately about forgiveness, and one of the questions is how would you rate yourself? That got me thinking.
My first thought was that I was pretty good, but then i realised i had a lot to work on (as usuall)
There aren't actually many people that have done badly by me, so i'm not actually that practiced in the art of forgiveness, but there are two circumstances that come to mind, neither of which you will find out the details of incase people involved end up reading this.
The upshot of it is this though - neither of these situations were deliberatly set up to hurt me. In fact, i don't even think the people realised that they had. They are people I love, and i'm pretty sure they love me too. And even though i understand the reasons for their actions, they have caused me hurt.
This is where i get confused, I hold no hard feelings towards the people, does this mean I've forgiven them? I still hold on to the hurt though, so maybe I haven't. I need to learn how to move on from hurt, and not hold on to it and nurture it. I'm still working on this one, which explains why this entry is probably a bit hard to read.
The other situation in which I am HOPELESS at forgiveness is when it involves me. i blame myself for everything!! And I hold on to that list and feed it and give it attention and now it is a big ball of self blame and guilt. Not sure how to get rid of it, it seems quite attached. My husband gets sick of me saying i'm sorry for things he thinks i'm not even responsible for, and i've been known to apologise to people and have them look blankly at me and ask me what i'm talking about!
hmmm, needs more thought.
My first thought was that I was pretty good, but then i realised i had a lot to work on (as usuall)
There aren't actually many people that have done badly by me, so i'm not actually that practiced in the art of forgiveness, but there are two circumstances that come to mind, neither of which you will find out the details of incase people involved end up reading this.
The upshot of it is this though - neither of these situations were deliberatly set up to hurt me. In fact, i don't even think the people realised that they had. They are people I love, and i'm pretty sure they love me too. And even though i understand the reasons for their actions, they have caused me hurt.
This is where i get confused, I hold no hard feelings towards the people, does this mean I've forgiven them? I still hold on to the hurt though, so maybe I haven't. I need to learn how to move on from hurt, and not hold on to it and nurture it. I'm still working on this one, which explains why this entry is probably a bit hard to read.
The other situation in which I am HOPELESS at forgiveness is when it involves me. i blame myself for everything!! And I hold on to that list and feed it and give it attention and now it is a big ball of self blame and guilt. Not sure how to get rid of it, it seems quite attached. My husband gets sick of me saying i'm sorry for things he thinks i'm not even responsible for, and i've been known to apologise to people and have them look blankly at me and ask me what i'm talking about!
hmmm, needs more thought.
Tuesday, May 1, 2007
Living the moment
I've been thinking about this a lot lately.
For the first few years of my kids life, i used to kind of wish the time away. I felt like life was just too hard at the moment, and i wanted them to grow up so things might be easier. Looking back, these are some of the precious times, when they can't yell at you, walk away, make a disgusting mess etc etc.
Now i'm feeling so much better, i wish the opposite, i want to go back and experience those moments again, with mental health! I also find myself wishing that they wouldn't grow up. Sure, they can be challenging, but also SOOOO georgous that i just can't stand the thought of them changing.
I want to hang on to every moment and memory, photographing, scrapbooking, blogging, however I can.
I find this emotionally draining. And it's hard to fully enjoy a moment, when you're trying so hard to remember it, and having a feeling of nostalgia already, worrying that you'll forget.
I need to learn to live in the moment, accepting that there will be good and bad at every stage and age of life. Sure, there are things to hold on to, memories and sensations, but not everything, the human brain is just not that big! Spending time with the people that are precious to me as they are now is the most important thing. It's nice to remember things, but not essential to happiness, there's enough to deal with in the here and now.
this is a huge challenge for me, to live without regret, to fully immerse myself in the present. wish me luck
For the first few years of my kids life, i used to kind of wish the time away. I felt like life was just too hard at the moment, and i wanted them to grow up so things might be easier. Looking back, these are some of the precious times, when they can't yell at you, walk away, make a disgusting mess etc etc.
Now i'm feeling so much better, i wish the opposite, i want to go back and experience those moments again, with mental health! I also find myself wishing that they wouldn't grow up. Sure, they can be challenging, but also SOOOO georgous that i just can't stand the thought of them changing.
I want to hang on to every moment and memory, photographing, scrapbooking, blogging, however I can.
I find this emotionally draining. And it's hard to fully enjoy a moment, when you're trying so hard to remember it, and having a feeling of nostalgia already, worrying that you'll forget.
I need to learn to live in the moment, accepting that there will be good and bad at every stage and age of life. Sure, there are things to hold on to, memories and sensations, but not everything, the human brain is just not that big! Spending time with the people that are precious to me as they are now is the most important thing. It's nice to remember things, but not essential to happiness, there's enough to deal with in the here and now.
this is a huge challenge for me, to live without regret, to fully immerse myself in the present. wish me luck
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Nothing Personal
I'm a nutrimetics consultant and yesterday I held an open house. You know, come to my place, check out the stuff, get a discount etc.
Well, no one came!
Now, six months ago, i would have been a blubbering mess, decided no one liked me, and disapeared off the face of the planet for a few weeks.
This time however, my mum and hubby were more upset than I was! I have learnt that some things are just not personal. People have lives, people don't like nutrimetics, whatever, it's not about me!!!
I admit, i did do a few rousing renditions of "no body likes me, everybody hates me, might as well go and eat worms...." but it was just for fun, and entertaining the kids!
Miss T came in that night actually, she was so sweet. I was lying in bed with agonising back pain, and she came in and carefully lay beside me, stroked my cheek and said "mummy, i'm sorry no one came to your party, are you ok?"
CUTE
Well, no one came!
Now, six months ago, i would have been a blubbering mess, decided no one liked me, and disapeared off the face of the planet for a few weeks.
This time however, my mum and hubby were more upset than I was! I have learnt that some things are just not personal. People have lives, people don't like nutrimetics, whatever, it's not about me!!!
I admit, i did do a few rousing renditions of "no body likes me, everybody hates me, might as well go and eat worms...." but it was just for fun, and entertaining the kids!
Miss T came in that night actually, she was so sweet. I was lying in bed with agonising back pain, and she came in and carefully lay beside me, stroked my cheek and said "mummy, i'm sorry no one came to your party, are you ok?"
CUTE
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Mothers
Something i have learnt over the last three years is that mothers are special.
One of the things that stopped me doing serious harm to myself or simply walking out was my kids. Even though I thought that I was a terrible mother and they would be way better off with someone else, there was a part of me that realised that I was still special to them.
I realise there are a few exceptions, but in general, your kids see you as special no matter what your faults, and they would be devestated if you left them. Think about it, even adopted kids still feel some sort of link to thier birth mothers,even if they have never met them, so imagine the link your kids feel to you, who provides for them and loves them in a tangible manner.
Even when they say they hate you - they don't mean it really!
One of the things that stopped me doing serious harm to myself or simply walking out was my kids. Even though I thought that I was a terrible mother and they would be way better off with someone else, there was a part of me that realised that I was still special to them.
I realise there are a few exceptions, but in general, your kids see you as special no matter what your faults, and they would be devestated if you left them. Think about it, even adopted kids still feel some sort of link to thier birth mothers,even if they have never met them, so imagine the link your kids feel to you, who provides for them and loves them in a tangible manner.
Even when they say they hate you - they don't mean it really!
what not to say
over the last three years many things have been said to me, some helpfull, some not so helpful. I thought this was important lesson to learn, how to help others going through difficult times.
So - what not to say
1. This is the worst i reckon - "just push through it" OH GEE, i hadn't thought of actually trying! seriously, when having a really bad day, just being alive is pushing through it. If your actually talking to someone, you are pushing. My wonderful psychiatrist once described it like this, I found this very helpful. Imagine you're in a room, there are two beds, you are in one of them, and on the other is a million dollars, To have this money, all you need to is get out of bed and take it. For a person suffering severe depression, this is an impossible task. It really is that bad.
2. Everyone has bad days. Uh, yeah, but does everyone feel the need to kill or injure themselves on these bad days????
3. Time heals all wounds. This is simply not true for starters, it might help the pain, or you might develope coping strategies, but you may never heal - like from the loss of a loved one. And for seconds, i;m living in the present, what helps now - not in the future.
4. But you have such a wonderful life, think of all the good things about your life. This one can go either way, but in general it makes you feel like a selfish, ungrateful prat. Something allong these lines - yeah i know, anyone else in my situation would be grateful and i'm just a useless waste of space.
Some good things to say.
1. I'm going to make you a meal, is there anything you don't eat? Generally offering help will be refused because people don't like to feel like charity cases, but a meal is quite simple. Don't ask - just say - i'm doing it. Only with simple things llike meals though - other things may cause more stress, like babysitting or even offering to clean.
2. You are so special to me, i really value our relationship, i love that you are xyz and you help me in these ways...(my brothers comment on my first post is a good example of this one, he made me cry - in a good way)
3. I'm so sorry that you are going through this, you don't deserve it. When you need to talk, i'm here for you, i love you so much you can even wake me up at 2 in the morning.
sending flowers and cards is also nice.
So - what not to say
1. This is the worst i reckon - "just push through it" OH GEE, i hadn't thought of actually trying! seriously, when having a really bad day, just being alive is pushing through it. If your actually talking to someone, you are pushing. My wonderful psychiatrist once described it like this, I found this very helpful. Imagine you're in a room, there are two beds, you are in one of them, and on the other is a million dollars, To have this money, all you need to is get out of bed and take it. For a person suffering severe depression, this is an impossible task. It really is that bad.
2. Everyone has bad days. Uh, yeah, but does everyone feel the need to kill or injure themselves on these bad days????
3. Time heals all wounds. This is simply not true for starters, it might help the pain, or you might develope coping strategies, but you may never heal - like from the loss of a loved one. And for seconds, i;m living in the present, what helps now - not in the future.
4. But you have such a wonderful life, think of all the good things about your life. This one can go either way, but in general it makes you feel like a selfish, ungrateful prat. Something allong these lines - yeah i know, anyone else in my situation would be grateful and i'm just a useless waste of space.
Some good things to say.
1. I'm going to make you a meal, is there anything you don't eat? Generally offering help will be refused because people don't like to feel like charity cases, but a meal is quite simple. Don't ask - just say - i'm doing it. Only with simple things llike meals though - other things may cause more stress, like babysitting or even offering to clean.
2. You are so special to me, i really value our relationship, i love that you are xyz and you help me in these ways...(my brothers comment on my first post is a good example of this one, he made me cry - in a good way)
3. I'm so sorry that you are going through this, you don't deserve it. When you need to talk, i'm here for you, i love you so much you can even wake me up at 2 in the morning.
sending flowers and cards is also nice.
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Note to self
Ok, there are lessons that take a long time to learn, and there are lessons that should be learnt quickly. This is a case of the second type
Note to self. When you are on anti-depressants, it is important to take them!!! When you run out, this should be a cue to you to buy more!
did you know that if you forget to take your tablets for two days, you have a massive crash and can't get out of bed the next morning to take your kids to school!
Actually, the sad thing is, i did know this, i've done it before. I think this is one of those moments where one of my daughters phrases of the week will come in handy. "Stupid dumb brain"
hopefully something a bit more deep and meaningfull will come to me for tomorrow
Note to self. When you are on anti-depressants, it is important to take them!!! When you run out, this should be a cue to you to buy more!
did you know that if you forget to take your tablets for two days, you have a massive crash and can't get out of bed the next morning to take your kids to school!
Actually, the sad thing is, i did know this, i've done it before. I think this is one of those moments where one of my daughters phrases of the week will come in handy. "Stupid dumb brain"
hopefully something a bit more deep and meaningfull will come to me for tomorrow
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